Well OK, now we can get into it. This one wasn't a contest, but it still deserves a moment of silence for Coyne, who put up 138.56 — a totally respectable score in literally any other matchup — and got run off the field anyway. Caleb Williams went off for 41.26 and Ashton Jeanty chipped in 31.70, and it didn't matter one bit.

Because Hayden's lineup was a 102 mph fastball heading straight for Coyne's plums. Kenneth Walker rushed for 173 yards, Derrick Henry punched in 3 TDs and 144 yards on the ground, Trevor Lawrence threw for 4 touchdowns, and Zay Flowers went for 150 and a TD. Every single starter showed up and balled out. This is the fantasy equivalent of flopping a royal flush and oh so close to being historic. Regardless of records, congrats Hayden on being 1-0, securing the first-ever Squid Game Redemption token, a high score bonus, and a dot — now go buy a lottery ticket before the universe rebalances itself.

Hey, Greg actually had a decent week — Jalen Hurts dropped 30.72, Nico Collins looked good, and his defense held up. In most matchups, 119.52 should be enough to win.

Not this week. Mark got to feel super smart for drafting Josh Allen early — 41.66 points, nearly double his projection — and then just kept piling on with Jaxon Smith-Njigba (24.2), Breece Hall (20.8), and Parker Washington (16.8). This wasn't a matchup, it was a backhanded smack across the face. Thank you sir, may I have another??

I don't think Garrett should come out of this match feeling all that defeated. Yeah, he only put up 110 points. Yeah, he lost. No, it wasn't close. But look on the bright side. He got 33.10 out of his #1 overall pick, Jahmyr Gibbs, and Cam Skattebo looks like he's back to running the ball like a psycho. The big fumble was keeping D'Andre Swift on the bench, who dropped a monster 33.90 — had he started him instead, he might've won the whole matchup. Consolation prize? Garrett takes home the Bench Warmer bonus and $25. Congrats on the "win"?

Though I'm sure Gangus would've liked to see more out of Saquon — 8.50 points on a 21-point projection isn't what you draft him for — the rest of the roster stepped up with a balanced attack. Amon-Ra St. Brown, Javonte Williams, and Trey McBride (this week's TE Dot Pot winner) all showed up to cover for him. 134 points is a nice week, and it's a nice way to start the season. It's all very nice.

Scotty got a legitimately elite performance out of Lamar Jackson — 28.96 points — and it still wasn't close, because the rest of his roster might as well have stayed home. What did Ja'Marr Chase do? Best receiver in the league. A measly 2 points. But how about Kyle Pitts? He could finally be good, right? Goose egg. The Texans defense? #1 the league last year, though..? Also, zero. That's three roster spots combining for two points. Rough. I feel ya, Scotty. Really. I do.

Graham, on the other hand, got a monster night from David Montgomery with 3 total TDs, and Justin Jefferson matched his TD total from all of last year in one game. I'd be lying if I told you that didn't sting — and not just a little bit. Undefeated Graham is back, and if last year taught us anything, that means something deeply weird is coming.

Didn't take long to find the 2026 Garbage Bowl. In the midst of all these points from all these different players, none of them found their way onto either of these two teams. Anthony's week got off to a rough start when Drake Maye stunk it up with 11.82 on opening night, but Bijan Robinson bailed him out with 27.30, and just enough depth held up.

Schilling was off to a hot start in his own way — here's what your PLATE champ cooked up in Week 1. Draft a guy in the 3rd round only for him to end up on the CEL with no timetable for return. Believe the hype and select Jaylen Waddle, who gives you 1 catch for 2 yards. Add a goose egg from Colston Loveland, sprinkle in absolutely nothing from your defense and kicker, and what do you get? Last place. And you know what? It's cozy down here. My ass print still fits in the couch cushion. The one bright spot was Christian Watson going off for 31.7 points, enough to take home the dot at WR. Too bad the rest of the roster didn't get the memo.