Last week, I may have given Scarpitti a little jab for “reaching” on Josh Allen. Well, if you’re wondering about all the typos in this week’s update, it’s difficult to type with all this egg on my face. Scarps has now won the QB Dot in back-to-back weeks thanks to Allen being a one-man show. This week, he added the WR Dot with JSN and his first High Score bonus for good measure. Talk about low stress. When your two best players combine for 86 points, you can pretty much kick back and let the rest of your roster take the week off. Scarps is now 2-0 and hasn’t even sniffed a close game.

Scotty, meanwhile, is dealing with a very specific kind of curse. In Week 1, his first-round pick gave him two points, and his tight end put up zero. This week, Ja’Marr Chase finally showed up with two touchdowns and 23 points, but Kyle Pitts… well, he’s still ass. And for good measure, Malik Nabers left with a dislocated shoulder, came back, and finished with one whole yard. In Scotty’s defense, he’s had some big scores dropped on him through two weeks, but when you can’t crack 100 yourself, it’s hard to complain about the competition. He faces off against Schill the Thrill next week in the inaugural “God, Please Don’t Let Me Start 0-3 Bowl.”

Coyne got run off the field last week despite putting up nearly 140 points. This week, he scored less and walked away with a win. Fantasy football, ain’t it wild? Jonathan Taylor delivered two touchdowns and the RB Dot, DeVonta Smith posted 24.7, and it was more than enough to get the job done — even after Caleb Williams sprained his cooter. Well played, James. And don’t forget… three times on Sundays.

Things weren’t quite as pleasant for Gangus. Amon-Ra St. Brown has given him 56 points through two weeks, and he only has one win to show for it. Most of the blame belongs to Saquon Barkley, who has managed just 11 points and is apparently having spinal cord problems. But who hasn’t had spinal cord problems, am I right? Last week, I said 134 points was nice, and it was all very nice. This week? Very unpleasant.

Fortunately for Gangus, the only way to win this week’s bonus was to lose. He takes home Match Up Blues and $25, bringing his season earnings to $30 and making him the league’s most well-compensated 1-1 team.

Still… very unpleasant.

Every year, Garrett drafts Cowboys like it’s his patriotic duty, and every year, we give him grief for it. This year, it’s Dak Prescott’s turn, and holy moly, the guy has thrown six touchdowns and dropped more than 56 fantasy points through two games. The Cowboys homer pick is currently putting the roster on his back. Pair that with Jahmyr Gibbs, who’s averaging more than 25 PPG, and Garrett’s top two have accounted for roughly half his season output. The rest of the roster? I mean… meh. Fine, I guess. Occasionally enough?

The exception is Drake London, who has somehow been even less than meh. He hasn’t cracked seven points in either of his first two games and is currently being held hostage by Atlanta’s shitty offense. Zero trips to the red zone. ZERO. But when your QB1 and RB1 are playing like this, who needs a balanced roster? Seems totally sustainable to me!

Anthony, meanwhile, is getting it from every direction. A.J. Brown landed on IR in Week 1. JK Dobbins gave him three points before going down, which is less of a surprising development and more of a scheduled event. This dude has never stayed upright for an entire season, and at this point, drafting him is a level of optimism I simply cannot relate to. Then there’s DK Metcalf, who managed 4.70 points on four catches and spent the rest of the afternoon finding new and creative ways to drop the football.

Anthony, are you familiar with the waiver wire?

Hayden scored 184 points in Week 1 and 92 in Week 2. Exactly half, which is a genuinely rude thing for math to do to a man. In fairness, Hayden was already in trouble before kickoff. Zay Flowers, who went off last week, was ruled out Saturday with a hamstring injury, and Brock Bowers was out too. Trevor Lawrence didn’t help matters much, and suddenly last week’s highest-scoring team couldn’t even crack 100. Bright side? Derrick Henry and Kenneth Walker III combined for 39 points, and when you’ve got two of the best running backs in the game, there’s still plenty to be happy about. The bad news? You just lost to a guy named Crackers.

Graham now moves to 2-0, and I remain deeply suspicious of it. He won with 99.98, the lowest winning score of the week, despite getting just three catches out of Justin Jefferson and 3.4 points from David Montgomery, who punched in three touchdowns a week ago. Meanwhile, the Travis Kelce resurgence is really annoying. I don’t have anything else to add on that. I just think it’s annoying.

Last week, I said undefeated Graham meant something weird was coming. Well, Graham beating Hayden with less than 100 points is the weirdness. It’s happening.

Going into Monday night, I needed three points from my QB. That’s it. THREE points. It was in the bag… which is exactly what you should think if you want to jinx the fuck out of yourself. Just seven plays into the Giants’ first drive, and what happens? Jaxson Dart’s knee snaps like a twig. Twenty passing yards. 0.80 points. Done.

But you know what? I’m not going to sit here and blame this loss on a fluke injury. That wasn’t the problem. It shouldn’t have even been close. Everything else was working. CeeDee Lamb went for 153 yards and two scores, McCaffrey punched in two more, and Jaylen Waddle hauled in eight catches for 138 yards.

Colston FUCKING Loveland.

Again. AGAIN! Through two weeks, this bastard has ONE catch for THREE yards. He’s supposed to be a top-tier tight end. Instead, he’s buns.

Meanwhile, Greg walks away with a two-point victory thanks to a scoop-and-score from the Patriots defense. Must be nice. Some weeks, you do just enough to win, catch a lucky break, and skip into Tuesday morning with a little extra bounce in your step. Other weeks, your quarterback’s knee explodes before you’ve even finished your first beer.

See you in the Basement Bowl, Scotty.