In Week 1, I said undefeated Graham meant something weird was coming. In Week 2, I said the weirdness had arrived. In Week 3, I’m filing a formal complaint. For the second week in a row, Graham has posted the lowest winning score in the league. Five teams have scored more points than him this season, and two of them have losing records. I don’t know who he’s sold his soul to, but I’d like their Hotmail address. I could use some black magic.

Here’s the rundown. Justin Jefferson left in the first quarter with just 4.2 points, and David Montgomery added only 5.8. Didn’t matter. Goff threw two scores (23.36), Kyren Williams went for 158 scrimmage yards (18.8), and Travis Kelce caught another touchdown. The Kelce resurgence remains annoying. I will not be elaborating.

Anthony lost by 4.3, so let’s find 4.3 points. Eddy Pineiro missed two extra points, so there’s two. The rest lands squarely at the feet of Drake Maye. Maye turned it over three times in a 35-6 beatdown by the Jags, including one where the ball just slipped out of his hand mid-throw, and he got pulled. That’s 3.76 points on a 21.38 projection. Meanwhile, Bijan ran for 194 yards and two scores (36.3), and DK Metcalf caught (not dropped) three balls, one of them for a touchdown. Swap in any quarterback with a pulse and Anthony is 2-1. Instead, he’s 1-2 and last in the league in total points.

Anthony, I think the Drake Maye experiment has come to a close.

Welcome to the “God, Please Give Me a Win” Bowl. Sponsored by Pizza Hut. And for once, God actually listened. To me.

With Jaxson Dart done for the year, Joe Burrow was inserted back into the starting lineup and threw three touchdowns for 28.58. McCaffrey found the end zone again (19.6), Christian Watson went for 96 and a touchdown (19.1), and CeeDee added 18.7.

And then. And THEN.

Colston Loveland caught four passes for 31 yards. That’s 5.1 points, more than six times his first two weeks combined! All thanks to my boy, Case Keenum. A 38-year-old third-stringer got more out of my tight end in one night than Caleb did all season. I gotta say, it’s really sad when you’re pumped that your TE scored 5 points. But this is where we are.

It was all downhill for Scotty once De’Von Achane went down with a knee injury three carries into the game. I feel you, Scotty. I really do. But we need to talk about Kyle Pitts. One catch, five yards, 1 point? He’s healthy, right? He played 42 snaps Thursday while Drake London and Bijan each went for 194 yards. He has 3 fantasy points on the season. So I guess… he hit his average? That’s all you can expect.

Lamar (24.44), Chase (20.3), and Olave (17.2) all showed up, but it couldn’t make up for the Achane injury. Scotty’s weekly scores are now 87.86, 99.8, and 97.04. That’s three weeks without cracking 100, and he sits at 0-3 and alone in the basement. Keep my seat warm, Scotty. I have a feeling I’ll be visiting you soon.

This one had everything on the line. A winning record, Dots, the last Squid Game Redemption Token… And it came all the way down to Monday night.

Garrett carried an 8.66-point lead into Bears-Eagles, but Coyne still had DeVonta Smith and the Eagles defense left to play. Garrett had D’Andre Swift. Deep into the fourth quarter, this thing was still up for grabs. Then Chicago kept scoring, the Eagles D kept bleeding points, and Coyne’s comeback died along with the Eagles’ chance to win. Swift finished with 9.8, and yes, that’s the same D’Andre Swift who scored 33.9 on Garrett’s bench in Week 1. Regardless, it was enough for the win.

Garrett didn’t just win the matchup. He cleaned out the whole store. Jahmyr Gibbs went for 99 rushing yards, 65 receiving yards, and three touchdowns, good for 37.9, the RB Dot, and Beast Mode. Drake London finally got a quarterback and went for nine catches and a career-high 194 yards (25.9). Dak added 20.94. So Garrett takes home the bonus, the Dot, the last Squid Game Redemption Token, and oh yeah, THE WIN.

With Caleb hurt, Coyne rolled out Brock Purdy and didn’t miss a beat. Purdy threw four touchdowns for 39.28 and the QB Dot, and Garrett Wilson added 23.7. But his hometown Eagles let him down in the worst possible way. DeVonta and the Philly defense combined for only 11.5. In the end, Coyne got beaten by his own benched quarterback’s backup’s backup. You follow?

I think Coyne’s really wishing the median scoring vote had passed. He lost with 138.56, won with 121.62, and lost again with 125.88. He’s third in the league in points and 1-2. Bright side: he’s putting up points. The wins will come. In the meantime, three times on Sundays, James.

With Zay Flowers and Brock Bowers both back in the lineup, Hayden’s team looked like the one that hung 184 in Week 1. Bowers went for 10 catches, 116 yards, and a score (24.6, TE Dot). Derrick Henry scored twice (21.4), Kenneth Walker scored once on the ground and once through the air (20.3), and Trevor Lawrence threw three touchdowns against Anthony’s quarterback. That’s High Score number two, $40 on the season, and a 2-1 record.

Greg put up 117.92, which would have beaten five other teams this week. Credit where it’s due: James Cook ran for 154 yards and a score (21.4), Michael Wilson caught 11 balls (20.4), and Tee Higgins added 18 points. But the big disappointment was Jalen Hurts, who just never got it going against the Bears.

Greg’s three-game storyline really boils down to matchups. He took a 161-point hit from Scarps in Week 1 and now a 145-point smack from Hayden in Week 3. He’s now second in the league in points against.

Welp, we’re now THREE weeks in, and Scarps still hasn’t sniffed a close match. These aren’t wins. They’re blowouts, and they’re getting worse: 41.44, then 46.82, now 50.84. He’s 3-0, in first place, and 28 points clear of the league in scoring.

He even did it on a day when Josh Allen stunk it up by his standards. Allen threw two picks and needed two rushing touchdowns to get to 16.96. It didn’t matter, because Jaxon Smith-Njigba caught 10 balls for 128 yards and two touchdowns and threw a 14-yard pass for good measure. That’s 32.36 and his second straight WR Dot. George Kittle added two touchdowns (23.2), and Will Reichard chipped in 17.3. Really? You’re getting 17 from your kicker? If that doesn’t call for a shit-eating grin, I don’t know what will.

Gangus, meanwhile, posted 91.18, the lowest score in the league for the week. Saquon ran for 82 yards and caught one pass for negative two yards, but couldn’t find the end zone. Amon-Ra St. Brown caught four balls for 19 yards, and only a touchdown saved him. Jordan Love (24.48) and Javonte Williams (17.3) did their part, but the rest was pretty unremarkable. That’s two straight losses for Gangus. He’ll likely get back on track in Week 4 against Schill the Thrill, who hasn’t topped 107 points all season.