OK, we’re now 4 weeks in, and Scarps STILL hasn’t seen a close match. The battle of the undefeated teams was dominated by Graham as he hung 145.48 points in a 45-point beatdown. Graham did most of his damage with 4 players – Kyren Williams punched in 2 TDs, including the game-winner in Philly (31.7). Chuba Hubbard ran for 122 and two scores (27.4). Goff threw for 412 yards in a loss (26.48), and welcome back Puka – 125 yards and a TD. He may have left 57.56 points on the bench, but it made no difference. He’s 4-0 and sits in first. Nothing weird about that at all! Totally normal.

I think we all know that Scarpitti needed to eat some humble pie. Thus far, he has won every game by 40-plus, but this week he got the knuckle side of a bitch slap. Josh Allen set a Bills record with his 88th touchdown from scrimmage, but it only amounted to a meagre 20.52 points. JSN wasn’t hurt; Seattle just decided 22 passes was plenty (10.1 points). The most impressive player in Scarps’ lineup was his kicker, Will Reichard, who made five field goals, scored all 15 of Minnesota’s points, and finished only a half point behind Josh Allen. When your kicker is almost the highest-scoring player on your team… well… that just means you have a really good kicker. Which is nice. Scarps drops to 3-1.

Anthony! Your boy. Drake Maye. Is he back? Are we psyched? Does OTPHJ need a change of underwear? It only took a month, but finally he looked like the guy you thought you drafted. 269 yards and three scores, ran for 54, earning 32.16 points and the QB Dot. Bijan did what he’s been doing, running by everyone (at half speed even) for 145 and 2 TDs on Monday night for 29.2 points. That should’ve been plenty. But what gives? Jordan Addison? You have the Romeo & Drake hookup!? Swap Doubs for Addison and Anthony wins by 4.68. Instead, his best score of the season gets him to 1-3.

Hayden didn’t need help. Why would he? He has Kenneth Walker, who ran for a career-high 177 yards and two fourth-quarter touchdowns (32.4, RB Dot). Zay Flowers went for 118 and a score (23.80), and Brock Bowers took the TE Dot for the second straight week (17.60). He may just win the rest of the TE Dots. Just give them all to him. Even with Trevor Lawrence and Bucky Irving doing next to nothing, Hayden’s 3-1 and just passed Scarpitti for the league lead in points. I think we may have a Thanos situation on our hands.

Garrett went into this match with a league-high 129.25-point projection. Really, Yahoo? Calm down. He then lit up the scoreboard with 105 points, more than 24 points under his inflated projection, and still won. This is Garrett’s 3rd career Lucky Duck bonus AND it’s his third weekly bonus in four weeks. What the hell. My suspicions no longer involve Graham. Garrett’s clearly found a way to manipulate the weekly bonus cash, and is under full investigation. Until I can find a way to make him stop winning money, he sits at 3-1 and a league-high $80 cash.

Why does Scotty always find himself on the wrong side of Matt Stafford? Bench him? He’s the MVP of the day. Start him? He’s trash. The fantasy gods are toying with you, Scotty. Lamar was cleared of his back issue by Thursday, but he was benched for Stafford anyway. Lamar scored 22.88 in ONE HALF before spraining his ankle. Stafford played four quarters, threw two picks, and scored 11.68. Start Lamar and Scotty wins the match, the weekly bonus, and gets his first win. Instead, Scotty is 0-4, zero 100-point weeks, and the first manager officially eliminated from the Squid Game. But hey, Kyle Pitts posted a season-high 6.20. So that’s something.

At this point, Coyne vs. Greg is almost a foregone conclusion. Nico Collins was back in the lineup and didn’t miss a beat with two touchdowns (29.3). Tee Higgins caught 11 balls for 157 (23.2), and Greg even made the right call at QB for once, starting Mahomes over Hurts. That’s now SEVEN straight wins for Greg over Coyne, dating back to Week 15 of 2022. Sorry, Coyne. Stats are fun.

Coyne got 45.82 from Purdy and Jonathan Taylor and almost nothing else. Garrett Wilson (4.2) is stuck in a Jets offense that gained 157 total yards. Dalton Kincaid got two targets and one catch (1.2). The real problem is strength of schedule. Coyne has seen an average of 142 points per week scored against him. Give Coyne Graham’s opponents and he’s 4-0. Give Graham Coyne’s opponents and Graham is 1-3. Instead, Coyne’s third in scoring and 1-3. I think it’s time to blame the guy who sets up the schedule. Let’s take him out back and beat the shit out of him.

I’m NOT going to keep this short, because I think I went through all 7 stages of grief in this match, followed by a renewed sense of false optimism.

1. Shock and Disbelief: My boy Boz needed to set the tone on Thursday night. What happened?!? He misses a 48-yarder into the wind and finishes with 3.1 points. Steelers lose. Utter disbelief.

2. Denial: “Play Josh Downs,” they all said. “It’s a smash start.” No Alec Pierce, and the Commanders give up a ton of yards to receivers. And then? He doesn’t touch the ball in the second half. Another 3.1 points. This can not be happening. Complete denial.

3. Anger: FUCK. Loveland is out there actually catching passes, Waddle scores a touchdown, and I get to watch Kenyon Sadiq post a goose egg. FUCK! Anger.

4. Bargaining: I go through all the what-ifs and should-haves, then decide it doesn’t matter, because Burrow, Wilson, and CeeDee carried me to a season-high 120.92 points. Gangus needs 20.94 from St. Brown and McMillan combined. Maybe it’ll be a quiet night for McMillan on SNF?

5. Depression: St. Brown. Catch. McMillan. Catch. St. Brown. Catch. McMillan. Touchdown. McMillan. Catch… Touchdown… Catch. It goes on like this for what feels like days. 40.2 points later, it’s official. I’m cooked. The WR Dot is ripped from my hands, along with any sense of hope. That’s now SIX straight losses to Gangus, dating back to 2023. I take it back, Coyne. Stats are not fun. Depression.

6. Acceptance: I did this. I’m the one who drafted Josh Jacobs. I’m the one who has made 47 roster moves in the first three weeks, searching for a running back, a defense, a kicker, a sign! It IS my fault. We all make mistakes. I believe it was Albert Einstein who once said, “Anyone who has never made a mistake has never tried something new starting Kenyon Sadiq.” Acceptance.

7. Processing: So here I am, journaling my mistakes for the whole league to see. It’s cathartic. The facts: I’m 1-3, in 8th place, and for now, the only reason I’m not in the basement is that Scotty’s already moved in and he’s picking out wallpaper.

No one was beating Gangus this week. He takes home the win, the High Score bonus, and the WR Dot. He moves to 2-2 and slides into sixth place. He’ll look to keep the momentum going against Scotty in Week 5.